Sunday, January 10, 2010

By special request...

As a blog author, I have to pay attention to what my readership wants. Well, that's a lie. I don't have to. I can do what I want. And usually do. However, since my readership consists of approximately five people, I can afford to accommodate certain requests. (As a side note, I just asked Phyllis if I spelled accommodate right, and she is already complaining that I use big words. Can I do nothing right, Phyllis??)

This particular request came from Phyllis herself. Actualy it began as a complaint that the funny has gone out of my blog. I'll admit, the last couple of posts have been more introspective than humorous. I apologize if there are others of you out there who prefer not to think, and would rather laugh. I like to do both. Of course, magnanimous scribe that I am, I offered Phyllis the opportunity to select a topic of her choice which I would address. Her choice?


So here I am, finally writing a blog on pants. I read through my previous entries today (um, okay, embarrassing, what was I thinking??) and realized that I promised an entry on pants long ago, so I consider this killing two birds with one stone. (Killing is so violent, perhaps instead I will consider it offering two birds a vacation in the Bahamas, no stones involved. Maybe some coconuts.) It's a fulfillment of my promise, plus the fulfillment of Phyllis' request. Am I a multi-tasker or what??

I like pants. I think they're great. You can get pants for every occasion. Long pants, short pants, dress pants, pajama pants, pants of every color, made of every material. I've even seen duct tape pants. For real. One thing Phyllis did point out, however, is the discrepency in the sizing of women's pants. Men's pants have very specific measurements. Never having shopped for men's pants myself, I can't say whether these measurements translate from store to store. Being rather an expert at shopping for women's pants, however, I can say that women's sizes definitely DO NOT translate from store to store. Sure, it's great when you think you wear one size and it's too big at the store. But the exact opposite is true when it goes the other way. Then you refuse to buy them and go home and drown your sorrows in a tub of ice cream and watch a movie depicting an impossible romance and feel even worse because you aren't Cinderella! *ahem* I sucks. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, shopping for pants. Girls are very picky about pants. The problem is that we are all built so differently. Perhaps that's why there isn't a universal sizing system, Phyllis. It just isn't feasible! Uhhh...

I have a friend named Jean and sometimes I like to call her Pants. She makes me smile.

On a completely un-pants-related note, I've decided I want to build a house. With my bare hands. Well, maybe I'd wear gloves, because splinters hurt. And maybe not by myself. With construction guys. In hard hats. And maybe not build so much as oversee. And use a hammer. Ooo and a saw. I like to cut things. With construction guys. In hard hats. Phew, is it hot? I think it's hot...

Okay, I think I've thoroughly butchered the subject of pants. Please feel free to send any other suggestions my way. I'll tackle any topic. If I feel like it.


  1. Sometimes I feel like you are not being very nice to me when you write these blogs. . .but you are so sly that nothing is blatantly mean. . .and in my defense I didn't say that you couldn't use big words just that you had to be able to spell them.

  2. I am not being mean. I am being funny. You wanted the funny back. Sometimes the funny hurts.

  3. I will remember that the next time the subject comes up in the office.

  4. I hear Kohl's has nice pants, but probably not for me. Either I am the size of every other man, or my size does not match ANY societal measurement. Ever. I HATE shopping for jeans.

    Next time I will think of you while dancing in a fitting room in pants I am never going to purchase. This needs to be someone's life goal. Dance in as many pairs of new jeans and then put them back on the shelf.

    Thank you.

  5. Chase. I am laughing really hard right now imagining you dancing in a fitting room. Amazing. What a lucky person to get a pair of "already-been-danced" pants.