Wednesday, December 7, 2011

She handed me what?

Today I got the opportunity to spend some time with a dear friend from grad school, Kelly. I've known Kelly for...a little over four years, as she started her program a year after I started mine. We suffered through the anguish of papers and endless pages of reading, and I had the honor of standing as a bridesmaid in her wedding wearing a pretty dress. We don't get to see each other nearly enough, so when she was going to be in the area, I jumped at the chance to see her.

We are too cute!

Can you spot me?

Initially, our plan was to hang out at my place. However, the cleaning fairies are on strike, and wanting to feed Kelly's illusions of my perfection, I suggested that we meet at Panera instead. Good food, nice ambiance...seemed like the perfect plan!

I was running late as usual, but found Kelly and greeted her as I peeled off layers outer clothing meant to protect me from the harsh elements (but which really just make me bulkier than I already am). I hadn't even sat down when a lady toddled up to us and handed us each two business cards and a foil pouch containing something juicy. "Here you go, ladies," she said, as if we had been expecting her. "Errrm, thanks!" was our reply. I saw pink and flowers and was like, "Oh cute!" I figured it was Mary Kay and she had given us moisturizer or something.

Pure Romance? Was she hitting on us? And...oh my...that foil packet definitely DID NOT contain moisturizer. "Arousal cream." I read aloud. "Is that for waking up in the morning?"

....Not quite...

I immediately took to Facebook to brag about my latest acquisition. I mean, really, how many people can say they have been gifted arousal cream in Panera? Only two that I know of.

It was clearly my lucky day, as an hour or so into our visit, the fire alarm and lights started going off, a piercing sound that tried to incapacitate my ear drums. The staff simply turned up the music and kept taking orders. Ten minutes later, the fire department showed up.

*Insert inappropriate joke regarding the firemen and my earlier gift*

The alarm ceased...for about 10 seconds. It went for another five minutes or so, and then quit again. This time for maybe a minute. Once again, the alarm screamed for five minutes, before finally being silenced for good.

Or so we thought.

Kelly and I had some good old fashioned PTSD, and kept looking at the alarms to make sure they weren't going to start blaring again. Just as we finally relaxed...ahhhh, there they were again! At this point I couldn't stop laughing. I told Kelly that the normal thing to do would be to leave...but that at this point I really just wanted to stay and see how it all turned out.

Thankfully, it was a happy ending, except the part where the firefighters left. I didn't even get to show them my arousal cream. My ears were ringing like they only can after a really good concert. All in all, a very good visit. Except...have you ever had to try and have a conversation with someone who is doing this?

Love you, Kelsers!

Laugh on!


  1. So the question we're all dying to know now is: where is the cream now? :)

  2. Well, it was in my wallet, but I was imagining scenarios where it would fall out at the Target check-out, or somehow jump out of my purse in the middle of a session, so I took it out and put it someplace safe.

    In my candy dish.

  3. I think you should send it anonymously in the mail to someone we used to send anonymous random stuff to. Just sayin'.

  4. SO fun! And so much more action than our times at Panera. Jealous!