Monday, March 29, 2010

Confessions (again)

I know that to most people, I am seen as generally a good person, an angel even. I mean, who can blame them? However, not wanting people to have the total wrong idea, I wanted get some things off my chest. You see, contrary to popular belief*, I'm not perfect. So the following are a few confessions that will give people a better idea of my real character.

- At the Taco John's we go to in Des Moines, I often take more ketchup packets than the sign allows. I like to keep a stockpile of them at the office.

- Sometimes I park in fifteen minute parking when I know I will be someplace for more than fifteen minutes.

- I judge people by their ringtones.

- I consistently drive at least three miles over the speed limit.

- I secretly believe I am a superior driver and everyone else drives stupid.

- One time when I was like four I stole a screw off the floor of a hardware shop. I put it in the little side zipper pocket of my boot. (My dad found out and made me return it)

- When I get my hair done, I like to make up stories when the hairdresser asks questions.

- If I get a willing partner, I like pretend I just met my friend and talk loud enough for those around us to hear. This works especially well in airplanes. Most recently I did this on the plane from Miami to Minneapolis. Angie and I pretended we just met, and I told her about how electricity just came to my town in Iowa and we were hoping for indoor plumbing next.

- I lie a lot. When people ask me how I am, I say "fine," even when I'm not. This happens several times a day. I also have a fear of confrontation, so often I lie by omission.**

- I pull pranks on people and then play innocent. Phyllis will be especially delighted that I am confessing to this one, as she is often the target.

- One time I broke a beautiful Easter egg my mom had and blamed it on the cat. I was overcome with guilt for the lie and confessed later on.

Phew. I think that's all I can handle divulging tonight. Don't think less of me...

*Yes, I realize that it isn't "popular belief" that I am perfect. Remember, I majored in sarcasm...
**This may be my most real confession. That isn't saying much.

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