I know that to most people, I am seen as generally a good person, an angel even. I mean, who can blame them? However, not wanting people to have the total wrong idea, I wanted get some things off my chest. You see, contrary to popular belief*, I'm not perfect. So the following are a few confessions that will give people a better idea of my real character.
- At the Taco John's we go to in Des Moines, I often take more ketchup packets than the sign allows. I like to keep a stockpile of them at the office.
- Sometimes I park in fifteen minute parking when I know I will be someplace for more than fifteen minutes.
- I judge people by their ringtones.
- I consistently drive at least three miles over the speed limit.
- I secretly believe I am a superior driver and everyone else drives stupid.
- One time when I was like four I stole a screw off the floor of a hardware shop. I put it in the little side zipper pocket of my boot. (My dad found out and made me return it)
- When I get my hair done, I like to make up stories when the hairdresser asks questions.
- If I get a willing partner, I like pretend I just met my friend and talk loud enough for those around us to hear. This works especially well in airplanes. Most recently I did this on the plane from Miami to Minneapolis. Angie and I pretended we just met, and I told her about how electricity just came to my town in Iowa and we were hoping for indoor plumbing next.
- I lie a lot. When people ask me how I am, I say "fine," even when I'm not. This happens several times a day. I also have a fear of confrontation, so often I lie by omission.**
- I pull pranks on people and then play innocent. Phyllis will be especially delighted that I am confessing to this one, as she is often the target.
- One time I broke a beautiful Easter egg my mom had and blamed it on the cat. I was overcome with guilt for the lie and confessed later on.
Phew. I think that's all I can handle divulging tonight. Don't think less of me...
*Yes, I realize that it isn't "popular belief" that I am perfect. Remember, I majored in sarcasm...
**This may be my most real confession. That isn't saying much.